Not for Profit
For we are not, as so many, peddling the word of God; but as of sincerity, but as from God, we speak in the sight of God in Christ. - 2 Corinthians 2:17
HOPE DEFERRED
I started writing in 1997. I self-published my first four Christian children’s books in 2003. I did everything, soup to nuts myself - writing, illustrating, layout and design, printing, publishing. All of it.
My dream back then was to write books from home and raise my children. It was the perfect scenario. It didn’t quite work out the way I hoped. Still, the Lord granted part of my request. He made a way for me to stay home with my children most of their childhood.
Through the years there were many times when I re-entered the workforce in various roles, but wherever I went, my heart was at home, with my children and the books. I kept putting Proverbs 13:12 before the Lord. “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” And He responded with Proverbs 19:21, “There are many plans in a man’s heart, Nevertheless the LORD’s counsel—that will stand.” And I would whisper, “Not my will, but thine be done.” And, there, in my mind’s eye, I was transferred to the Garden of Gethsemane watching Jesus praying on His knees speaking those sacred words as He prepared to give His life for me, for us.
Right there I surrendered a desire that would not fade, even when I tried to pray it away. “If you’re not going to grant it, Lord,” I would whisper, “then remove it from me.” He never did. Instead, that desire grew, but all along, God kept telling me to wait, hold on, not yet.
EIGHTEEN YEARS LATER
In 2016 I self-published my fifth book, The Gossipy Goose. Eighteen years had gone by since I published the first four. During that time we moved from New Jersey to Virginia and our family grew by one, a little girl. We became a part of an active, vibrant church in Hampton Roads and we entered into the adventure of homeschooling.
WHY, LORD?
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31
Those were good years, and I wish I could say that I waited patiently for the Lord to open up doors of opportunity for the books. But that was not always the case. Instead, I felt like I would faint out of exasperation. Of course, I didn’t. Other times I just had a straight up temper tantrum before God. I smile just thinking how He must have looked down at me behaving like my children did in their terrible twos.
And, then, when I was weary and worn down I began to question Him. Why, Lord? I would ask. Was my zeal more than my knowledge? (Proverbs 19:2) Was my heart not right? (James 4:3) Was I in any way peddling Your Word for profit? (2 Corinthians 2:17) Was this ministry an idol to me? (Deuteronomy 5:7) Did I love it more than You, Lord? (Matthew 22:37) Was I not abiding in You enough? (John 15:4) Had I, like Martha, chosen the lesser thing? (Luke 10:42) What was it? Why was I striving and not reaching my goals? Why, Lord, had You withheld this desire from me?
BE STILL
The answers came to me through His Word. “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6) And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
When faced with pure truth one can only bow down. So, I did and I do, thanking Him for His patience, love and mercy in my life.
O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the Lord our maker. - Psalm 95:6
In this posture, I go forward with the Lord ordering my steps. No more temper tantrums, but submission instead. I trust Him.
O LORD, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps. - Jeremiah 10:23
